Most if not all of us struggle with depression at one time or another in our lives and some face it more frequently than others. A few months ago I was asked to write down my feelings when depressed. I could not. I read the Psalms and see that David grieved so in his writings, but I have thus far been unable to pen my lows. My thoughts are ugly, base, negative, and ungrateful...which is where I believe depression begins - in failure to give thanks.
Ascending from a recent valley, I see God all around me and as I ponder His ways and listen to songs of praise, I am moved beyond words. It is the Spirit - with utterings and groanings too deep for my voice that well up within my soul and spill out through tears and fill my mind with thoughts of Jesus, my Savior. I am overcome with remorse for my lack of trust and vision, and so very grateful that the valley is behind me...and yet I am grateful for it as well.
Without touching the base of depravity, but being reminded of my humanness, I can come to a point of coasting in my faith - repeating holy habits and portraying a virtuous front when inside I am vacant. I don't know if other Christians feel this way, but I do - especially when life gets hectic with actual demands, leaving little time for refreshing. Priorities go awry and self screams for quiet when none is to be found and often all of the above takes place with no one else around. I am my own worst enemy. Then all of a sudden, there He is...seeing me, loving me in my darkness and forgiving my doubt that He ever existed for me personally.
"O Lord, You are good....always good. All that You do and allow is working good for me. How could I ever doubt Your faithfulness? Is it because all I see is my faithlessness? Why would you ever call me to be Yours? I am weak and feeble, forgetting the cross and the Love that gave nothing but love in death. My heart is full as I remember that You will complete all You begin, and You began a work in me that I ignored and rejected and doubted for a period. Help me not to compare myself with anyone but You. You are my only Standard, my Redeemer, Savior, and Friend. Praise Your holy name and forgive my belligerent heart. Make me thankful for the valley and even more thankful for You, Who walked before me, behind me, and beside me through it all."