Enabling: Good, Bad, or Both?

 

This subject crosses my path frequently.  When does helping someone become something negative and nonproductive?  How does a person know when investing time, money, and effort has grown into a hindrance of the recipient's maturity, delaying the imminent call for a change?  When should consequences be allowed to fall?
Let me say right here - I do not know.  I have observed parents making decisions for grown children, and grown children having to take over decision making for their parents all with good intentions, but so often with uninvited advice.  The line is unclear, and probably crossed more times than it should be.  It is frequently hidden behind what some would mistakenly call love.  It isn't love to keep someone from growing up and reaching his/her full potential in life.  One who is slow to embrace adulthood or responsibility might resist the challenge to break free and experience the pains of life, but the one who is wise enough to observe the reluctance and act at the right time will later be thanked.  It takes wisdom to know how to maneuver and encourage such undertakings.  Scripture reminds us -
2 Thessalonians 3:10  For even when we were with you, we would give you this command: If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat. 
Enabling usually has a less than positive definition.  The enabled love being enabled and the enabler might get a sense of purpose in enabling...resulting in co-dependency.  The enabler feels needed and the enabled takes advantage of their need to do so, and the cycle begins without anyone realizing it.  The pattern is set and will soon grow to be distasteful to all involved, including onlookers.
Helping others so that they might learn to help themselves is always rewarding.  Knowing when to step away is key...and there is a time when one must step away.  Most people desire independence, but may be unaware of their own capabilities until someone comes alongside and draws out their strengths.  A simple nudge or word of encouragement might steer one to venture out.
Dealing with the aged is another area where enabling might be necessary, though unwanted.  Losing independence can be so difficult.  Even when assistance is necessary. it is not always appreciated.  Caregivers live this. The extended hand is often the bitten hand.  It is a beautiful picture when both are in agreement of the inevitable and can share sweet moments of collaborating comfort in the latter years of life or maybe your hand extends to one younger whose need is greater than what they themselves can accomplish.
Proverbs 16:31  Gray hair is a crown of glory; it is gained in a righteous life.
If you find yourself falling into any of the categories above, you will need help in knowing when to step back, take some down time and rest, or accept help from a friend/relative.  Be sure to seek advice from wise counsel - one that will be honest and not tell you only what you want to hear.
God gave us consciences.  Rightly informing them will help alleviate the guilt that will come as we back away - temporarily or permanently - from what we are so used to doing.  Therein lies the challenge in discerning where and when to change your habits which might change the habits of another.  Just know that not all good works are good works.
Colossians 3:23-24 Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.  

I Came Not to Bring Peace, But a Sword

This title might make you think I have gone from promoting peace (in my last post) to denouncing its existence and importance in faith. Quite the opposite. There is no true peace without Christ, but peace on earth lies in the heart and not always in relationships.
Matthew 10:34-39  "Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a person's enemies will be those of his own household. Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. 
Some will take these verses and see them as license to argue with and/or reject family.  This was never meant to be the Believer's attitude of heart.  It was/is a call to stand for righteousness and truth when challenged to remain silent and ignore wrong.
So often Christians poorly represent their faith either by elevating themselves and their standards in haughtiness (which the Lord hates  - see Pr. 6:16-17) or by remaining silent in the face of evil, making no choice at all in order to avoid rejection and controversy.  Scripture tells us we will be rejected when we live steadfastly in a fallen world that is not our home.  We are made aliens simply by our declaration to follow Jesus Christ, Son of God.
Albert Barnes states in his commentary on Matthew 10:34 ff:
One part of a family that was opposed to Him would set themselves against those who believed in him. The wickedness of men, and not the religion of the gospel, is the cause of this hostility. It is unnecessary to say that no prophecy has been more strikingly fulfilled; and it will continue to be fulfilled until all unite in obeying his commandments.
Christ must be loved supremely, or he is not loved at all. If we are not willing to give up all earthly possessions, and forsake all earthly friends, and if we do not obey him rather than all others, we have no true attachment to him.
The cross was usually composed of two rough beams of wood, united in the form of this figure of a cross It was an instrument of death. To carry it was burdensome, was disgraceful, was trying to the feelings, was an addition to the punishment. So "to carry the cross" is a figurative expression, denoting that we must endure whatever is burdensome, or is trying, or is considered disgraceful, in following Christ. It consists simply in doing our duty, let the people of the world think of it or speak of it as they may. It does not consist in making trouble for ourselves, or doing things merely "to be opposed;" it is doing just what is required of us in the Scriptures, let it produce whatever shame, disgrace, or pain it may. This every follower of Jesus is required to do.
He said it better than I ever could.
Hebrews 12:14  Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. 
Romans 12:18-21  If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord." To the contrary, "if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. 
We make a million decisions every day. They will not all bring with them controversy. Sometimes the controversy lies within us as we fear repercussions for our decisions.  Just make sure your heart is without guile or malice and full of grace and truth and the love of the Lord Jesus as you gently speak truth when it is called for in dealing with others...and that you are prompted by the Holy Spirit to do so.
1 Peter 3:14-17  But even if you should suffer for righteousness' sake, you will be blessed. Have no fear of them, nor be troubled, but in your hearts regard Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect, having a good conscience, so that, when you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ may be put to shame. For it is better to suffer for doing good, if that should be God's will, than for doing evil. 
Remember to be gentle and respectful.
1 Peter 2:7-9  So the honor is for you who believe, but for those who do not believe, "The stone that the builders rejected has become the cornerstone," and "A stone of stumbling, and a rock of offense." They stumble because they disobey the word, as they were destined to do. But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. 
Steve Camp wrote a song in the 90's entitled "Consider the Cost." The chorus is a challenge for us as Believers.

Consider the cost of building a tower

It's a narrow way that you must come

For to do the will of the Father

Is to follow the Son

To love Him more than father or mother

You will love Him more than even your own flesh

To give all that you are, for all that He is

This is the gospel according to Jesus.

Let's give all that we have for all that He is for this is the call in following Jesus.